Isn’t it hilarious when you get to you gal pals house, she pours you both a cup of tea (or a glass of wine if it’s Wednesday), gets comfortable on the couch and says -
“So, tell me about your latest crush”
These have always been some of my favourite chats, both as the crush-inflicted and the dutiful friend.
Having a crush, to me, has almost nothing to do with the subject of my crush and everything to do with me. A crush is an opportunity to have a little fun and create a fantasy in a world that’s slowly taking away the wonder and imagination that’s left within.
I know this is true because even the way I crush is different now. At 15/16 there was a wilful ignorance I vividly remember about my crushes. Compared to the me of today, any crush I have now is subject to the painful practical realism adulthood requires. Gone are the days of “He’s cute, I like him…”. Even though a crush is meant to be built in fantasy, a legitimate thought of mine nowadays when considering a crush is “I really hope he’s got a 5-year plan that aligns with my 5-year plan…”
If I’m honest with myself I think the days of having a crush are creeping behind me. I think I know now, at 25 (almost) the stakes are too high to leave it to fantasy, imagination or chance.
But before I get there, let’s take time to reflect on the crushes of old. Let’s have a laugh, lick our wounds and promise ourselves to make sure the real thing is so much better.
I’m not using real names here. I’m no Lara Jean Covey - there’s no part of me that wants these stories mailed out to the long-gone object of my desire. Also, I’ve checked, almost all of my crushes have gone on to get married (I think one even has a baby!).
CRUSH ONE
Queue high school.
New school year at a new school.
I Twilight level imprinted my crush on the first boy that I can remember having a proper conversation with.
He was an Aquarius too (which when you’re grasping at straws to try and connect you and the person for life seems like a really big deal).
Remember when I said my crushes at 15/16 were wilfully ignorant – I wasn’t joking.
In the height of my crush (and teenage angst), I remember changing my facebook relationship status from ‘single’ to ‘it’s complicated’. Shortly thereafter I receive a message from him regarding my status update that said –
“WHAT’S COMPLICATED ABOUT IT?”
It was then that I realised – I’d made it all up in my mind. I wish I could say that at this point I decided to cut my losses and move on.
Unfortunately, it would take me many more years of angst before I realised the dead end I was facing. Even after the crush moved far, far, far, far away, I still crushed on him. I’m almost embarrassed to say that we were pen pals. Like real – life letter writing, red, Auspost mailbox pen pals. When we had a class trip to visit the far away land, I saved my hard earnt Supa Iga dollars and made sure I went.
As is often the case, distance (and a healthy dose of "he's just not that into you") did the job of bringing reality back into the picture and I eventually got over this crush.
In hindsight, it’s so clear that I was confusing the deep affection of friendship with romantic feelings. But you’ve gotta live it first before you can know.
S.
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