This one’s personal.
This is one of those keep it in the groupchat, let’s not speak about it too much in real life because it hurts type of topics.
But I’m doing it anyways.
There’s a dream I’ve been holding onto for as long as I can remember. When I think about what my life will look like in the future, every scenario involves me accomplishing this one dream. To even begin on the path to this dream, there’s a very distinct obstacle/ barrier/ hurdle that I have to overcome first.
It feels like this barrier has been kicking my ass for as long has I’ve been dreaming this dream.
Every year for the last 4 years my year has begun in the same pattern;
JANUARY: Existential crisis about how much I really want the dream I say I want. Ultimately deciding I want it pretty damn bad.
FEBRUARY: A lot of hard work, a lot of grinding. A lot of experimenting and trying things in a different way – hoping for a different result. (if you’ve talked to me in February, chances are I’ve uttered the phrase “I’m working smarter not harder”)
MARCH: This is the action part. Hoping, praying, expecting for all my hard work to culminate into success. Hoping that it’s the last time I’ll ever have to endure the cycle.
APRIL: Waiting. This is my least favourite part. There are lots of questions during this stage and I have no answers. It’s exhausting for everyone.
MAY: This part is full of phrases like “just short”, “almost”, “not quite”.
There’s nothing quite like unmet expectation. There’s a sense of disappointment that settles so deep into you, that it hurts. So much. So, you think you might never expect or hope for anything again.
I have felt this disappointment, over and over and over and over.
But each time, it hurts a little less. Not because I want the dream any less but because I’ve felt the hurt before. It’s familiar. I have overcome it before, I will overcome it again.
So, I keep doing it anyway. I keep dreaming the big, seemingly unattainable dream. I keep putting my energy and focus to overcome the seemingly never-ending cycle. I keep doing it anyways.
I’m learning to trust the process. To trust the pain, the setbacks and the disappointments. I know the only time the outcome is truly set as failure is when I stop trying.
It’s a new year, I’m doing it anyways.
I’m determined to celebrate.
S.
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